Last Ounce of Courage
by SophieSaulie
Summary: A tag for My Bloody Valentine. Dean feels lost and Castiel lends comfort.


**Last Ounce of Courage**

**A tag for My Bloody Valentine**

_And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,  
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,  
when I'm laid to my rest ...  
And the world will be better for this:  
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,  
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,  
To reach ... the unreachable star ..._

_--The Impossible Dream – Man of La Mancha_

Dean couldn't stop the tears as he found himself praying, him, Dean Winchester, to anyone who would listen, who could hear him plead. He wasn't asking for himself. It was for Sam, for the world. Famine hadn't been wrong. He **was** going through the motions, but not for the reasons the old man had said. Dean knew that he had been playing with his head, knew that he was trying to break him by making him feel like he was destined to lose, that defeat was inevitable. It was what demons did. Dean had gotten used to that talk. It was all he had heard lately. Where was "the give 'em Hell" speech that he had needed? Attitude alone wasn't cutting it right then and he could barely muster that. Yeh, he was going through the motions because he had no other choice. If he didn't, who would keep everyone else from caving in? He didn't resent it, but he couldn't deny that he was feeling lost. It wasn't enough to be a hunter, not in this war, it wasn't enough to have the skills that he and Sam…Sam. Watching Sam use his powers on Famine and his henchmen had struck Dean speechless, which wasn't an easy thing to do. Sam was powerful hopped up on demon blood. Dean had seen it before, but to destroy a horseman, that took a power that went beyond being a simple addict and Dean knew that Lucifer would exploit that if he got to Sam. A fleeting thought made him smile sardonically. What could he possibly offer Michael that could defeat Lucifer with Sam's mojo?

"Your humanity," Cas said.

Dean quickly wiped his tears away.

"Can't a guy get any privacy around here, huh?" He joked.

Cas just stared at him. Dean then composed himself.

"Is that going to be enough? I mean, Lucifer can tap Sam's mojo over demons. What have I got to offer to beat that, huh?"

Dean's gallows laughter died as quickly as it came.

"Is that what you see?" Dean asked softly.

"See what?"

"When you look into my soul, is all you see is my humanity or do you see a broken empty shell of a soul?"

Cas understood.

"Famine lied to you, Dean. Your soul isn't nothingness. It is **because** you keep going despite everything that's happened which makes you the righteous man that you are, the only righteous who can succeed."

"Then how come I feel like nothing? I mean, I'm trying, Cas, I really am and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't taking everything I have in me to keep going, to keep waking up in the morning, but it isn't enough, is it? It's not going to be enough just to have a positive attitude."

Cas was silent. He didn't have an answer to give. God had been silent to him as much as he had been with Dean.

"Yeh, exactly."

"Dean –"

"I watched Sam wipe Famine and his men off the map and it scared me, Cas. How can I tell him to do the right thing when I really don't know what the right thing is anymore?"

"That isn't true. You've chosen not to be Michael's vessel –"

"Yeh, and I told Sam he shouldn't be Lucifer's, but let's be real here, what other options are there, huh? I don't see a column C that we can chose from."

"What?"

"Nothing. I just…we need help, Cas, but no one's out there who has the mojo to tip the odds in our favor. I mean, Anna, she's gone too. I never figured that she would…"

Dean wistfully remembered Anna, the fallen angel who had forgiven him for turning her in to Uriel. He felt like he had failed her too.

"I'm afraid Hell isn't the only place where torture is used. I blame myself for what happened to her. I betrayed her and she was made to pay the price for her disobedience."

"You were tortured too, but you didn't go all rogue."

"But I'm useless to you. Being stripped of my powers is essentially punishment for my disobedience."

"You're hardly useless. You got us back to our parents so we could help them. Don't know anyone else who can do that."

Cas was impressed at Dean's ability to shift blame away, but he knew the truth.

A moment of silence fell between them.

"Famine was right about one thing. I don't feel like myself. I feel like something was taken from me, maybe it was left back in Hell, I don't know, but I'm not the man I used to be."

"No, you're a better man."

"Could have fooled me."

"Dean, my Father would never have commanded me to pull you from Hell if he didn't believe you deserved it, that we didn't need you in this fight."

"Yeh, well, you did all of the heavy lifting, but where is He now, huh?"

"Don't blaspheme, Dean."

"I'm trying not to, Cas, but you said it yourself, Lillith's plan for me was to break the first seal and I did. You were too late to stop it and I'm not laying blame here, it was all me, I broke, I let it happen, but if blame isn't being cast, then where is He? If He can't be here for the world because **I'm** not letting Michael take me as his meat suit then I'll gladly go back to Hell as a screw up. If that's what it'll take to have Him step in to save everyone, I'll do it. I'll go. The world doesn't deserve to suffer because of me, because of what I wasn't strong enough to stop."

Cas understood and he knew that Dean wasn't being disrespectful. He just wanted some answers. Cas did too. As much as he still had faith in his Father, his absence was testing even his own belief.

"It isn't, Dean. You may not believe in prophecy or destiny, but what has been written is what cannot be changed. Nowhere in the writings does it say that Michael must save the world. He has defeated Lucifer before and so it is assumed that he must do so again. Others, like Zacariah, might have you believe that is the only solution, but what the prophecy really says is that what a righteous man has started only he can finish. You are that man, Dean, not just because you started it, but because you have the qualities necessary to get the job done. If I know nothing else, I know that. You **are** that righteous man and it is who you are, the gifts you possess as Dean Winchester that will save the world."

"Are you telling me that having Michael take me as his vessel isn't the solution to everything?"

"I trust in your belief that it isn't."

Dean laughed.

"Way to pep talk, Cas."

"Do you believe that by being Michael's vessel, it will save the world?"

Dean thought and no matter how much he would like to just give in and say yes, he couldn't. He didn't believe doing that was the right thing to do.

"No."

"Then that's your answer."

"What if the rest of the world, what if God thinks I'm wrong?"

"I believe my Father is testing your courage, Dean. It is easy to walk away, easy to have someone else provide the answer because then if something goes wrong, someone else can be blamed. People have blamed God for everything and yet, He still remains. You must hold firm to what you believe is the right thing to do. Only then, can you truly know if it was the right choice. It takes a courageous man to risk failure. A righteous one."

Dean took in a deep breath and nodded.

"Well, I guess we'll see then," Dean said, not feeling the conviction behind his words at that moment.

Cas fell silent feeling there was nothing more to say. Dean may not have all of his confidence back, but Cas felt Dean's certainty about his choice and that was enough for him. He would gladly place his faith in Dean's choice. He felt doing that it was the right thing to do.

**FIN. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!**


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